Corporate Lessons

CORPORATE LESSON # 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!


CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!


CORPORATE LESSON #3

Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally play football; the middle level managers are more interested in tennis
and the top management usually has a preference for Golf.

MORAL OF THE STORY: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.


CORPORATE LESSON # 4

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY- Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.


CORPORATE LESSON # 5

There were these 4 guys, Russian President Putin, Germany's Chancellor Kohl, America's Dictator Bush and French Premiere Chirac who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French Premiere Chirac wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian President Putin turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is American's Randy. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.

Source: www.thehumorarchives.com

Ungrateful Wife

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Source: www.thehumorarchives.com

"The Mirror of Death" by John Stevens

Although it is inevitable, losing a loved one is never easy. Suddenly a part of your life is gone and there is a gaping hole that was once filled with love. I, like everyone else, have had to cope with this emptiness, but it took the death of my dear friend, Sarah, a border collie who was my faithful companion for almost 16 years, to come upon a discovery that changed my life.

Sarah was an abused puppy we rescued when we lived in England. When we went looking for a dog, I was keen on another one that was in the foster home we visited, but she chose me. Her abuser had been a man and she feared all men, but for some reason she saw something in me, very much a man, that was different and boldly approached me wagging her tail. In spite of my protests, it was a battle I could not win. She was the dog for me and that was it.

When we got home, we found that Sarah could not be left alone. She was completely terrified. We guessed that in her former life, she had been left alone, did something wrong, as puppies often do, and was beaten when the master returned. Not being a dog psychologist and living in a dog-friendly country, the easiest solution was to take her to work. Anyway, she responded well to the training. Most of the time, she hid quietly under my desk. The only hint of a dog in the office was a tail wagging when somebody walked by, especially a colleague, Ann, who doted on Sarah and often took her for walks in the park at noon.

In time, Sarah proved to be a wonderful friend. She led an interesting life. When we moved back to Canada, the option of leaving her in England, although there were a few offers to take her, was never considered. We had shared too many walks and talks to be separated. Anyway, she had chosen me. The choice was not mine.

After years of devotion on both of our parts, the time came when cancer took over and we had to put her down. In the cool shade of our front lawn, we stared into each other's eyes, trying to prolong the moment. Then it was over. She was gone.

Days of grief immediately followed. Friends tried to say the right words. Hugs were given generously. Everything helped, but they couldn't fill the void in my soul. I tried pep talks to convince myself that it was all for the best and so on and so on. I missed my dog and that was it.

One noon, a few days after her death, I was walking on the streets of Tavistock. I paused to look into a florist's window, then I saw it - my reflection. What followed though were the thoughts that turned my tears of sorrow into joy.

Like the reflection in a mirror or glass, death is the reflection of life. The greater the love you felt, the greater the grief. There are people who die every day that I feel no grief for. However, my dear Sarah's death created a deep and profound sorrow. However, it was only so deep and profound because our love for each other had been so deep and profound, too. The sorrow was a mere reflection of the joy we shared. What a precious thought. It allowed me to cope with my emotions. Every time I experienced the pain, I remembered that it was a mere reflection of the love and a reminder that it still existed. Although no longer with me, Sarah's love was.

Then came the question. It changed the tears into sobs of joy.

The question? Would I take away any of the precious moments we shared to lessen the sorrow I was experiencing now? The answer was an emphatic NO! As much as I mourned the loss of a great friend, there is no way I would have taken anything away from our experience together. The result was that I embraced the emotions instead of trying to explain them away or rationalize them. Embracing them meant that I could deal with them effectively, since I wasn't trying to avoid them or push them away.

Many of you, I'm sure, are going through grief from the death of a loved one. No matter how great the pain may be, if you wouldn't change anything from your life with your loved one to lessen it, you know that you have had a very special relationship with somebody - something that many long for and never experience. When the sorrow comes, remember it as a mere reflection of the love you once shared, and a reminder that it has not gone away.

John Stevens

"The Power of Responsibility" by Michael Josephson

It's been said that the line between childhood and adulthood is crossed when we move from saying "It got lost" to "I lost it." Indeed, being accountable - and understanding and accepting the role our choices play in the things that happen - are crucial signs of emotional and moral maturity. That's why responsibility is one of the main pillars of good character.

Many people have been seduced by the Peter Pan philosophy of refusing to grow up and avoiding the burdens implied in being accountable. Yes, responsibility sometimes requires us to do things that are unpleasant or even frightening. It asks us to carry our own weight, prepare and set goals, and exercise the discipline to reach our aspirations.

But the benefits of accepting responsibility far outweigh the short-lived advantages of refusing to do so. No one makes his or her life better by avoiding responsibility. In fact, irresponsibility is a form of self-imposed servitude - to circumstances and to other people.

Responsibility is about our ability to respond to circumstances and to choose the attitudes, actions, and reactions that shape our lives. It is a concept of power that puts us in the driver's seat. The grand panorama of the potential of our lives can only be appreciated when we begin to be accountable and self-reliant.

Responsible people not only depend on themselves, but show others that they can be depended on. This breeds trust, and trust is a key that opens many doors.

If you want more control over your life and the pleasures, prerogatives, and power of freedom and independence, all you have to do is be responsible.

Michael Josephson

"Entertaining Angels" by Jaye Lewis

It was fifty years ago, on a hot summer day, in the deep south.

We lived on a dirt road, on a sand lot. We were, what was known as "dirt poor."

I had been playing outside all morning in the sand. Suddenly, I heard a sharp clanking sound behind me and looking over my shoulder, my eyes were drawn to a strange sight!

Across the dirt road were two rows of men, dressed in black and white, striped, baggy uniforms. Their faces were covered with dust and sweat. They looked so weary, and they were chained together with huge, black, iron chains. Hanging from the end of each chained row was a big, black, iron ball. They were, as polite people said in those days, a "Chain Gang," guarded by two, heavily armed guards.

I stared at the prisoners as they settled uncomfortably down in the dirt, under the shade of some straggly trees.

One of the guards walked towards me.

Nodding as he passed, he went up to our front door and knocked. My mother appeared at the door, and I heard the guard ask if he could have permission to get water from the pump, in the backyard, so that "his men" could "have a drink." My mother agreed, but I saw a look of concern on her face, as she called me inside.

I stared through the window as each prisoner was unchained from the line, to hobble over to the pump and drink his fill from a small tin cup, while a guard watched vigilantly. It wasn't long before they were all chained back up again, with prisoners and guards retreating into the shade, away from an unrelenting sun.

I heard my mother call me into the kitchen, and I entered, to see her bustling around with tins of tuna fish, mayonnaise, our last loaf of bread, and two, big, pitchers of lemonade. In what seemed "a blink of an eye," she had made a tray of sandwiches using all the tuna we were to have had for that night's supper.

My mother was smiling as she handed me one of the pitchers of lemonade, cautioning me to carry it "carefully" and to "not spill a drop." Then, lifting the tray in one hand and holding a pitcher in her other hand, she marched me to the door, deftly opening it with her foot, and trotted me across the street.

She approached the guards, flashing them with a brilliant smile.

"We had some leftovers from lunch," she said, "and I was wondering if we could share with you and your men." She smiled at each of the men, searching their dark eyes with her own eyes of "robin's egg blue." Everyone started to their feet. "Oh no!" she said. "Stay where you are! I'll just serve you!"

Calling me to her side, she went from guard to guard, then from prisoner to prisoner - filling each tin cup with lemonade, and giving each man a sandwich. It was very quiet, except for a "thank you, ma'am," and the clanking of the chains. Very soon we were at the end of the line, my mother's eyes softly scanning each face.

The last prisoner was a big man, his dark skin pouring with sweat, and streaked with dust. Suddenly, his face broke into a wonderful smile, as he looked up into my mother's eyes, and he said, "Ma'am, I've wondered all my life if I'd ever see an angel, and now I have! Thank you!"

Again, my mother's smile took in the whole group. "You're all welcome!" she said. "God bless you." Then we walked across to the house, with empty tray and pitchers, and back inside. Soon, the men moved on, and I never saw them again.

The only explanation my mother ever gave me, for that strange and wonderful day, was that I "remember, always, to entertain strangers, for by doing so, you may entertain angels, without knowing." Then, with a mysterious smile, she went about the rest of the day.

I don't remember what we ate for supper, that night. I just know it was served by an angel.

Jaye Lewis

"Real Winners" by Rob Gilbert

Nobody loves motivational quotes more than I do. But be very careful because every once in a while you'll find a quote that might sound good but isn't true. And if you believe that quote, it might actually do some harm.

Let me tell you a story...

It was the most important Little League game of Eric's life. He was 11 years old and his team, the Pirates, were playing the Giants in the championship game.

It was the bottom of the sixth inning and the Pirates were ahead 2-1. But the Giants had the bases loaded with two outs and their best hitter was at bat.

He hit an easy fly ball to Bobby, the Pirate's right fielder. Bobby circled under the ball as everyone held their breath. The ball fell into his glove and then bounced out. Bobby scrambled for the ball, but by the time he decided where to throw it, two Giants had scored.

Final score:
Giants 3
Pirates 2

It would be "wait until next year" for the Pirates.

As the Pirates moped off the field, something totally unexpected happened. Their manager started yelling and screaming at Bobby. "You lost the game for us. You cost us the championship!"

Crying, Bobby ran off the field and vanished into the woods.

After the game, Eric went to meet his parents in the parking lot, but his dad wasn't there. His mom said he had something to do. On the drive home, a dejected Eric saw something that startled him.

Way in the distance, Eric saw his dad walking Bobby home. His dad had his arm around the kid who probably felt like he didn't have a friend in the world.

Eric never forgot the kindness his dad showed that evening.

As the years passed, whenever Bobby saw Eric's dad, he always greeted him warmly and enthusiastically because he never forgot, either.

So whenever I hear stories like this one, I think of this quote:

"Winning is not the only thing, it's everything."

This quote makes my blood boil because the manager in the story actually believed it. He believed that winning a Little League game was "everything" and that the feelings of a fragile 11 year old boy were "nothing."

The truth of the matter is that winning is not the only thing. Winning is not everything.

Real winners don't necessarily hit home runs or make spectacular catches. Real winners know how to be kind. Eric's dad was a winner.

Here's a quote that is true and will make you a winner if you believe it:

"Winning is not the only thing, but kindness is everything."

Rob Gilbert
From Bits & Pieces

"A Slice of Heaven" by Jan Grover

As a mother whose son passed away six years ago, each special occasion is a struggle. I miss the wholeness of my family, finding myself wishing that all my children were together and we could share in the celebration of special days. As the intensity of the journey of grief is lightening, I feel the phrase "Time Heals" is starting to become an unwelcome reality.

A week before Mother's Day, I started to feel the return of anxiety of how I would handle another Mothers Day celebration without my son. I did not want to waste another year of not fully enjoying a day honoring my mother and husband's mother, as well as "being in the moment" with our families. An idea popped into my head, which was a very non-traditional way of coping.

The next step was to ask my husband for the unusual request. As Paul is a very logical husband, I feared he would think I had gone over the edge, that I had finally lost my mind, but I have learned through my journey of grief to communicate your needs to others, no matter what the subject. Do not make the mistake of assuming what others are thinking or feeling. The openness of being able to relay your feelings to your loved ones is a key to finding your way out of the darkness of despair to the light of hope and joy. Not entirely confident of his response, I decided to e-mail my request to him for Mother's Day. I asked that when he was buying a Mothers Day card for me, to also purchase a card from Andy. Just listen to his heart and Andy would guide him on what to do. He did not reply, so I was not sure that my request would be fulfilled.

Mothers Day I awoke and first thought of the fun filled day that would unfold. A trip to my sisters to be with all my family, which included my mother and father, my daughter and son in law and two wonderful grandchildren, my sister and her family and brother and his family - 18 family members all together to enjoy the first part of the day. To complete the second part of our day, we would then travel to Paul's parent's house and spend special time with his mother and dad. To have our two mothers living is a special present that we realize many children never get to experience. The thought of Andy not being with us flashed thru my mind and my heart then saddened with the reality that he would not be with us. The phone rang, and my daughter in Dallas who could not be with us, phoned and wished me a Happy Mothers Day. Because of her call, my heart started to rebound to put my mind back in the present. I turned from the phone, and on our kitchen island was a beautiful vase of flowers with two cards and two presents. My husband gave me his card and present. I am very lucky that after 21 years of marriage, my husband realizes how wonderful it is to hear that he loves and appreciates me as wife, friend, and mother to our children. I then turned to the other card sitting by the flowers and slowly opened the envelope. It was a lovely card and my husband had signed it with the exact same handwriting of Andy. Tears filled my eyes, but they were happy tears, not the tears of sadness. Paul then told me to open the gift. It was a kitchen knife, with the following note:

Mom,
I wanted to get you something that would make you think of me. So I bought you a slice of heaven. Every time you are cooking and using the knife, I will be with you cooking some delicious concoction and slicing a piece of heaven. Hopefully you will think of me and know how much I enjoy cooking and that this gift will bring you many years of joy as you have brought into my life.

Love,

Andy

Andy loved to cook and we often spent time laughing and talking with family and friends gathered in the kitchen. What a perfect gift! For that day, my family was all together. With my husband's compassion and willingness to indulge my "odd request", I was able to enjoy Mothers Day without a heavy heart.

Paul, my Fathers Day gift to you is a heartfelt thank you. I am so blessed with your acts of compassion and thoughtfulness. I love you more each day.

Jan Grover

"The Person Responsible for Your Success" by Jack Canfield

It’s time to meet the person who has been responsible for the life you live right now.

This person has created your income, your debt, your relationships, your health, your fitness level, your weight, your attitudes and your behaviors. Who is it? To introduce yourself, just walk to the closest mirror and say hello! This person is you!

Although one of the popular myths out there is that "external factors" determine how you live, the truth of the matter is that you are in complete control of the quality of your life.

It’s time to look at the life you’ve created and determine what is working and what is not. Certainly there are wonderful things happening in your life, whether it’s your job, your spouse, your grades, your children, your friends, or your income level.

Congratulate yourself on these successes; you are creating them for yourself! And then take a look at what isn’t working out so well. What are you doing or not doing to create those experiences?

It’s time to stop blaming outside factors for your unhappiness.

When you realize that you create your experiences, you’ll realize that you can un-create them and create new experiences whenever you want. But you must take responsibility for your happiness and your unhappiness, your successes and your failures, your good times and your bad times. When you stop blaming, you can take that energy and redirect to focus on creating a better situation for yourself. Blaming only ties up your energy.

It’s also time to stop complaining.

Look at what you are complaining about. Really examine it. More than likely it is something that you can do something about.

Are you unhappy about something that is happening? Make requests that will make it more desirable to you, or take the steps to change it yourself. Making a change might be uncomfortable to you. It might mean you have to put in more time, money, and effort. It might mean that someone gets upset about it. It might be difficult to change or leave a situation, but staying put is your choice so why continue to complain? Face the facts that you can either do something about it or not. It is your choice and you have responsibility for your choices.

Successful people take 100% responsibility for the thoughts they think, the images that visualize and the actions they take.

They don't waste their time and energy blaming and complaining. They evaluate their experiences and decide if they need to change them or not. They face the uncomfortable and take risks in order to create the life they want to live.

Taking responsibility requires you to first decide to believe that you create all your experiences. Second, to pay attention to yourself, your behavior, and your life experiences. And last, to face the truth and deal with what is not working in your life. You have to be willing to change your behavior if you want a different outcome. You have to be willing to take the risks necessary to get what you want.

Isn’t it a great relief to know that you can make your life what you want it to be? Isn’t it wonderful that your successes do not depend on someone else?

Commit to taking 100% responsibility for your every aspect of your life. Decide to make changes, one step at a time. Once you start the process you’ll discover it is much easier to get what you want by taking control of your thoughts, your visualizations, and your actions!

Jack Canfield, America’s Success Coach, is the founder and co-creator of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul and a leading authority on Peak Performance. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com

Bury or Cremate???

To those who reads the NST on July 8, 2007, the following might be familiar to you. It is definitely worth giving a thought over.

A man's father had died. He was not only sad, he appeared flustered and agitated.

Asked why, the man said he had a major problem.

"What is your problem?"

"My problem is whether to cremate my father or bury him?"

"What does it matter whether you bury or cremate him?"

"It doesn't matter if I cremate him, but if I bury him, there is a problem."

"What problem?"

"If I bury him, will grass grow on the site?"

"What does it matter whether grass grows or doesn't grow?"

"It won't matter if grass doesn't grow, but it will be a problem if grass grows there."

"How will that be a problem?"

"The problem is, what will happen if cows eat the grass?"

"Does it matter whether cows eat the grass?"

"If the cows don't eat the grass, it does not matter, but if they do, there is a problem."

"What problem?"

"Will the cows give milk after eating the grass?"

"What does it matter whether they give milk or not?"

"If they don't give milkl it does not matter, but if they do, I have a problem."

"And what's that?"

"The problem is whether I should drink it or not."

"How does that matter?"

"Well, if I don't drink the milk, it does not matter, but if I drink the milk, it could cause a problem."

"What problem?"

"Will I live or die after drinking the milk?"

"How is dying or living a problem?"

"Well, if I live, there is no problem, but if I die, there is a problem."

"And what is the problem?"

"Whether my body should be cremated or buried?"

Embedded in the joke is a message. Most of us have a tendency to see problems in everything. and we worry too much. Often, we submerge ourselves in problems, forgetting that life is to be lived to its fullest.

My First Step towards MBA

I consider this as the best birthday present ever for the year 2007; an admission to the Master of Business Administration program of the University of South Australia. I have my organization, ITD Group to thank for the support shown in order for me to gain the admission & also most importantly, the sponsorship to undertake the MBA program.

The Power of Persistence

I went recently to see the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness." If you haven't seen it, please go, it is great. It could be the story of so many of us and it is about some of the most important qualities we need in order to succeed and be happy.

It begins with a dream... well it is a dream we all have... to be happy... a good life... but for some people, maybe someone you know, maybe you, it seems that things do not really work out, and difficulties keep coming up.

Maybe you have experienced a difficult beginning in life, and you feel this is still preventing you from being the best you can be, and you feel disadvantaged, scarred. Or maybe you have experienced in the course of your life pain, redundancy, loss, separation, or else, and you feel that your energy is depleted.

And what happens to many of us after a while that we keep 'struggling', the mind might begin to become negative and there might be the temptation to give in to difficulties. And maybe we start looking at other people, at people who are happier or more successful than us and we feel envious... but this does not help.

What helps instead is looking for successful people who have beaten the odds, who have overcome maybe the same past, maybe the same problems, and achieved what you want to achieve, and learn from them, because if you apply to your life, remaining true to yourself, what they have done, you will get where they are and have what they have, happiness and success. It is simply a question of learning their strategies. And one of the qualities you will see in all of these people, and you will see also in the movie, is the tenacity, the determination, the persistence to never ever give up, no matter what, and to keep following your dreams.

So, once you know your dreams, once you know what you really want, just go for it, and never ever give it up. Be prepared to put in a lot of effort, because that is the price you need to pay at the beginning for having it all. And once you have made a start everything will become much easier.

Another very important thing you need to do is have faith. There is such an extraordinary power within you that wants the very best for you; that wants you to be well and be happy; that wants you to have in your life all the love you desire and deserve; that wants you to be successful; that wants you to create and live the life of your dreams.

And once you know what this power is, you will be able to heal yourself, to create, attract and manifest in your life anything that you truly want. But you need to know how to use it properly, because otherwise it simply creates what you do not want.

And then you will see that actually what you thought of as disadvantages, the difficulties in your life, have become your advantage, because they have enabled you to be the best you can be; they have enabled you to achieve what some people only dream of. But in order to get there, you need never ever to give up. You need to keep going even when the going gets tough, because you are made of strong stuff.

I know you are certainly not a quitter, you are a winner, and I have the certainty you will be able to create and achieve whatever it is that you truly want. It is just a question of learning how the Laws of the Universe really work and you are already there. And you are going to make of your life a true masterpiece that reflects who you really are.

Copyright © Piercarla Garusi 2007 - All rights reserved.

Piercarla Garusi is a Life Coach, NLP Master Practitioner, Hypnotic Practitioner, Director of PG Coaching Ltd. She is passionate about helping you be well, connect with your soul, be the extraordinary person you truly are, develop your spirituality and create a life that makes you truly happy. For more information please visit: PG Coaching, or email.

The Beauty of Hokkien Dialect

I have been living in Penang all my life - also known as "The Prince of Wales Island", it is an island which was dominated by the Hokkien clans of the Chinese race. Most people here speaks Hokkien dialect. It was the colloquial communication medium in Penang .. and it has been like this for almost a century. But then, the Hokkien dialect in Penang did not sound a wee bit like those originated from China . It was entirely different from the original. Why ?

Well, that's because Penang 's a multi-cultural place and over the years, the Hokkien dialect somehow had evolved into something different?. into almost like an entirely new language itself. Slangs and shits like that. Just like what the Americans did to the original King's English. So, in conjunction with our national day spirit, I would like to share some of the most commonly used Hokkien slang in Penang .. hope that it will promote better understanding about the unique cultural establishment here?


" kan keh"

direct translation - 'fuck chicken'.

actual meaning - referring to someone who's cynical and selfish, not willing to take even the slightest risk of anything. eg: "Leh ma ler ! Ah Seng kau giak kan keh ah .."

[translation: "Your mother ! Ah Seng is damn timid !"]



"kiong kan "

direct translation - it actually was a short form for "ki ho lang kan ", which means, 'go get yourself fucked by someone'.

actual meaning - an exclamation that was used to vehemently protest against any disagreement or illogical statements.

eg: "Kiong kan lah ! lu sio kong lim peh be hiau si boh ??"

[translation : "Kiong kan lah ! You think you can fool me ??"]



"bak moy"

direct translation - 'pork porridge'

actual meaning - to undergo the complete and permanent cessation of all vital functions; i.e. die

eg: "Eh ! Lu lang cai boh ? Ray Charles bak moy liao !"

[translation : "Eh ! Did you guys know ? That Ray Charles is dead !"]



"loo siao"

direct translation - 'rub sperm'

actual meaning - to riot, to rebel, make trouble or go ballistic. Can be used as adjective, verb or noun.

eg: "That char bor, si peh loo siao, tiam tiam chueh soo ?"

[translation : "That woman, damn rebellious, always look for trouble.."]



"char siao"

direct translation - 'fried sperm'

actual meaning - to disturb or to vex someone

eg: "Mai char siao lah !"

[translation : "Don't disturb me !"]



"kuai lan"

direct translation - 'suave dick'

actual meaning - adjective to describe a very cheeky or obnoxious person.

eg: "That si ginna si peh kuai lan."

[translation : "That kid is damn obnoxious."]



"apong sin"

direct translation - 'pancake spirit' (pancake is also the secondary meaning for vagina) actual meaning - a person who's fawning over any

females and willing to do anything for them.

eg: "Ah Piang kau giak apong sin. Peng eu kio chut, boh eng. Char bor kio chut, eh poey?"

[translation : "Ah Piang damn 'pancake spirit'. When his friends ask him out, always busy. But when girls ask him out, he'll literally fly out"]



"ciu cheng"

direct translation - 'hand gun'

actual meaning - an adjective to describe someone that is unskillfully clumsy, delinquent and fucked up.

eg: "Si tua pui, kau giak ciu cheng. Chia pun beh hiau park."

[translation : "That fat ass damn fucked up. Don't even know how to park a car"]



"tu lan" (also known as T.L.)

direct translation - 'pig's dick'

real meaning - hatefully dislike or angry; pissed.

eg: "Kua tiok ee eh bin ? pun tu lan."

[translation : "It pissed me off even by just a glance of his face."]



"kam lan"

direct translation - 'to fellate'

real meaning - an expression added into questions - to denote something ridiculous or defies logical understanding.

eg: "Lu choaa lu eh bor chut lai kam lan aa ??"

[translation : "Why the hell do you bring along your wife ??"]



"loh tee"

direct translation - 'bread' (comes from the malay word "roti") real meaning - an adjective to describe a very slutty, chintzy and promiscuous female being. Highly derogatory.

eg: "Ah Piang eh chat loh si peh loh tee. Goh lui chap pek tau"

[translation : "Ah Piang's girl is a goddamn slut. Five cents for eighteen times"]

Of course there are more. These are just the common ones and is good enough for you to understand more about Penang. It's a beautiful place...

The Couple and the Genie

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.""Wow, that's great!" the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.""No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said."Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!""And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"She mulled it over for a few moments and said,

"You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?""You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband."I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?""Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Job Search Jargon

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

The HR Email

E-mail one

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping

coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Project Leader

E-mail two

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,

Project Leader

Differences Between You & Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

A Manager’s Dilemma

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

In The Service

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Construction Site Sign Language

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

The Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A Boy Without Email

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an
office boy, than a millionaire.... have a great day!!!

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.After their session, Valerie questioned the man

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

The Thing I Value Most

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important... Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown.

Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture... Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box? " Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by
the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package.

The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention.

"Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.

Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter.

His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.

Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most... was... my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.

"Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet... thanks for your time!"

Act of Kindness

He was driving home one evening, on a two-lane country road. Work, in this small mid-western community, was almost as slow as his beat-up Pontiac. But he never quit looking. Ever since the Levis factory closed, he'd been unemployed, and with winter raging on, the chill had finally hit home. It was a lonely road. Not very many people had a reason to be on it, unless they were leaving. Most of his friends had already left. They had families to feed and dreams to fulfill. But he stayed on. After all, this was where he buried his mother and father. He was born here and knew the country.

He could go down this road blind, and tell you what was on either side, and with his headlights not working, that came in handy. It was starting to get dark and light snow flurries were coming down. He'd better get a move on. You know, he almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road. But even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe, he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill that only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you m'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm. By the way, my name is Joe.

"Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough Joe crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down her window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Joe just smiled as he closed her trunk.

She asked him how much she owed him. Any amount would have been alright with her. She had already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Joe never thought twice about the money. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance that they needed, and Joe added "...and think of me".

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight. A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The cash register was like the telephone of an out of work actor, it didn't ring much.

Her waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Joe.

After the lady finished her meal, and the waitress went to get her change from a hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. She wondered where the lady could be, then she noticed something written on a napkin. There were tears in her eyes, when she read what the lady wrote. It said, "You don't owe me a thing, I've been there too. Someone once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here's what you do. Don't let the chain of love end with you.

"Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could she have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard. She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's gonna be alright, I love you Joe."

Attitude is Everything

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.

While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

If You Can't Say Something Nice

"Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you." Not so, according to Joseph Telushkin in his profoundly impactful book, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal.

Harsh criticism, snide sarcasm, nasty nicknames, and thoughtless gossip and rumors can inflict deep and lasting harm on individuals and their relationships. Some of the worst and most enduring pains we've suffered were caused by words.

What's more, Telushkin says, most of us say hurtful things about others much more than we realize. He challenges readers to go 24 hours without saying an unkind word to or about anyone. I flunked.

He's particularly down on gossip. Although we justify it as harmless and entertaining chatter, many things we say about others are fundamentally unkind and often unfair. Even worse, as anyone knows who has been the target of someone else's digs, jabs, and judgments, whether the gossip is innocent, insensitive, or malicious, the result is often the same: hurt feelings and damaged reputations and relationships.

Next time you're tempted to say unkind things about another - either to them or behind their back - ask yourself:

* What is the point and purpose? Is there any good that could come of these remarks?

* Could my words create or reinforce negative opinions that could harm or hurt the person I'm talking about?

* Would I be comfortable if the object of my gossip overheard my comments?

Tact, timing, and tone are all important. When we start being more responsible for our words, we realize the wisdom of the old adage: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Michael Josephson

www.charactercounts.org

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship
as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

By Reinhold Niebuhr

The Broken Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do a lot of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

The Farmer's Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was too old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly.

Then, a few shovel-fulls later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovel-full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of everyone.

The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to stop wailing, and not let the dirt bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each one of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Touching Life Story

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

The Window (Author unknown)

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Unexpectedly, an alien thought entered his head: Why should hehave all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything? It didn't seem fair. As the thought fermented, the man felt ashamed at first. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window - and that thought now controlled his life.

Late one night, as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room, he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running. In less than five minutes, the coughing and choking stopped, along with the sound of breathing. Now, there was only silence--deathly silence.

The following morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away--no words, no fuss. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.

Moral of the story:
The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice...it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express. It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning, nor does it come through the window. And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful. If we wait for them to get just right, we will never find lasting joy.

The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey. Our minds are like programs, awaiting the code that will determine behaviors; like bank vaults awaiting our deposits. If we regularly deposit positive, encouraging, and uplifting thoughts, if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain, if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it germinates, we will find that there is much to rejoice about.

Unconditional Love

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.

"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us!!!

There's a miracle called Friendship That dwells in the heart You don't know how it happens Or when it gets started But you know the special lift It always brings And you realize that Friendship Is God's most precious gift!

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

2007 Eden Charity Food Fair

Dear Friends,

I'm putting forth a helping hand to the needy ones at Eden Handicap Center. Eden is a non-profit organisation set up in 1991 with the mission of providing the disabled the dignity to lead self-sufficient lives in the sight of God.

I've had the privilege of meeting up with the General Manager of Eden, Bertie & his kind hearted wife, Madelene on April 11, 2007 & they provide me an insights to the journey that they have gone through together till this very day for the past 16 years since Eden's inception.

Many of us have the heart to extend a helping hand to the needy but not having the know-how. Some of us are reluctant because we don't have others to join us in this good cause (we don't want to be doing this alone), while some will contribute cash on a periodically basis (bless you...).

As for myself, I'm doing what's within my capability in terms of volunteering my commitment & passion; both financial & non-financial means to reach out to them. And I would like to invite all of my friends to join in this good cause.

On this coming 9 June 2007, Saturday, Eden will be holding a Charity Food Fair at Kompleks Masyarakat Penyayang, Penang from 10.00am - 3.00pm. I've give my words to both Bertie & Madelene that I will support them in the sales of coupons for the food fair. Each booklet is priced at RM20 only (that's half a jug of beer for you party animals out there). It is alright if you can't make it to the food fair on 9 June. That will not stop you from lending a hand right? Here's what you can do. Let me know that you want to contribute & I will reserve the booklets for you. And if you can't make it, I'll hand the coupons to those less fortunate ones that will represent you. This way, you are doing two good deeds & charity in one single event. God bless you...

Do let me know if you want to contribute in one way or another. I can always hook you up to the center. And if you are interested to contribute to the sales of tickets, please drop me a line at jackie.itd@gmail.com.

Come on now my dear friends...Lend a hand, please!

An Hour of Time

Tim was disappointed that his father didn't attend the last soccer game of the season, but he wasn't surprised. Tim was a mature 10-year old and he understood that lots of clients depended on his dad, a lawyer, who had to work most nights and weekends. Still, it made him sad, especially since this year he won the league's most valuable player award.

One evening Tim got up the nerve to interrupt his father's work at home to ask him how much lawyers make per hour. His father was annoyed and gruffly answered, "They pay me $300 an hour."

Tim gulped and said, "Wow, that's a lot. Would you lend me $100?"

"Of course not," his father barked. "Please, let me work."

Later, the father felt guilty and went to Tim's room where he found him sobbing. "Son," he said, "I'm sorry. If you need some money, of course I'll lend it to you. But can I ask why?"

Tim said, "Daddy, I know your time is really worth a lot and with the $200 I've already saved, I'll have enough. Can I buy an hour so you can come to the awards banquet on Friday?"

It hit his father like a punch to the heart. He realized his son needed him more than his clients did. He needed to be there for his son more than he needed money or career accolades. He hugged him and said, "I'm so proud of you, nothing could keep me away."

Lots of parents are stretched to their limit trying to balance business demands and family needs. It's always a matter of priorities. But if we don't arrange our lives to be there for our children, they will regret it - and after it's too late, so will we.

This story is derived and adapted from one that was circulated on the Internet without attribution. The original source is unknown.

Communication Breakdown

A scenario where communication breakdown occurs. Have a good laugh ahead...

Communication Breakdown

A light-hearted look at a hypothetical communication breakdown

The setting is the future, the law at this future date decrees that a woman should produce at least one child within 3 years of marriage. If not, then the Government, in order to boost the falling birthrate, will force the services of a certified Government sire on the hapless female to assist in the creation of another human being.

Wife: Well darling, this is the day we have been dreading. If I had only known that they would pass a law like this.

Husband: Yes dear, and there is no way out of it, the facts are that in view of the falling birthrate, it is compulsory to have at least one child within 3 years of marriage. Failure to comply will entail the services of a certified Government sire being provided to assist.

Wife: Oh dear, and the Man from the Government Birth Compulsion Department is due today! What shall I do?

Husband: Well I must be off to work now. I do hope it won't be too awful for you, and that they send you a decent chap to do the job.

(Kisses Wife ......departs.) Wife later answers a ring on the doorbell.

Wife: I suppose you are the man from the er...

Man: Good morning! I have come to...

Wife: Yes, yes, I know. Please come in. Just excuse me for a second.

Man(To himself): I suppose this is the right house. I don't know why people cannot bring their babies to the studio to be photographed, instead of dragging me all the way out here.

Wife (Returning): Won't you sit down Mr....

Man: Jones is the name. I hope I have come at a convenient time. Your husband is away I suppose?

Wife: Yes, we thought it would be the best thing to do especially as he can't do the job himself.

Man: Ah! It's the professional touch that is needed to get really good results. I suggest one on the sofa, two on the rug, one on the edge of the bath and finally one on the bed.

Wife: Good heavens! I didn't think so many would be necessary.

Man: Oh yes! We professionals can't get results with only one attempt, you will be able to say which you like the best and one of them is sure to be a gem.

Wife: Excuse me, but this does seem to be a bit informal doesn't it?

Man: The whole charm of the thing is in its informality. Would you like to see some samples of my work? (Produces an album of baby photographs). Now look at this one. I took four hours to get him, but it's a beauty.

Wife: Er, yes it's lovely, to be sure.

Man: And, look at this one, quite a photograph, a very tough assignment done on top of a bus, in one shot.

Wife: Good gracious, on top of a bus?

Man: Yes, the mother was a film star and wanted some publicity. This one I did in Central Park one snowy afternoon. I took from 2 o'clock until five. It was nearly dark when I had finished and the squirrels were nibbling at my equipment.

Wife: Central Park! Oh my, and twins too!

Man: Here's a nice job. People were crowded three deep at the end just to see me on the job.

Wife: Oh! Oh!

Man: I should never have finished but for the assistance of two policemen. Well, Madam, I think we had better get started. Would you be so kind enough to help me with my tripod?

Wife: Tripod? Whatever for?

Man: Well you see I've got a 3 foot stand and...

With that the poor woman fainted.

Had the communication been clear and had both persons clearly understood what they were talking about their respective states of minds (in particular the woman's) would have been considerably different.

You have a good laugh there. Let's not get ourselves into one of this situation (although the guy might get lucky).