The Beauty of Hokkien Dialect

I have been living in Penang all my life - also known as "The Prince of Wales Island", it is an island which was dominated by the Hokkien clans of the Chinese race. Most people here speaks Hokkien dialect. It was the colloquial communication medium in Penang .. and it has been like this for almost a century. But then, the Hokkien dialect in Penang did not sound a wee bit like those originated from China . It was entirely different from the original. Why ?

Well, that's because Penang 's a multi-cultural place and over the years, the Hokkien dialect somehow had evolved into something different?. into almost like an entirely new language itself. Slangs and shits like that. Just like what the Americans did to the original King's English. So, in conjunction with our national day spirit, I would like to share some of the most commonly used Hokkien slang in Penang .. hope that it will promote better understanding about the unique cultural establishment here?


" kan keh"

direct translation - 'fuck chicken'.

actual meaning - referring to someone who's cynical and selfish, not willing to take even the slightest risk of anything. eg: "Leh ma ler ! Ah Seng kau giak kan keh ah .."

[translation: "Your mother ! Ah Seng is damn timid !"]



"kiong kan "

direct translation - it actually was a short form for "ki ho lang kan ", which means, 'go get yourself fucked by someone'.

actual meaning - an exclamation that was used to vehemently protest against any disagreement or illogical statements.

eg: "Kiong kan lah ! lu sio kong lim peh be hiau si boh ??"

[translation : "Kiong kan lah ! You think you can fool me ??"]



"bak moy"

direct translation - 'pork porridge'

actual meaning - to undergo the complete and permanent cessation of all vital functions; i.e. die

eg: "Eh ! Lu lang cai boh ? Ray Charles bak moy liao !"

[translation : "Eh ! Did you guys know ? That Ray Charles is dead !"]



"loo siao"

direct translation - 'rub sperm'

actual meaning - to riot, to rebel, make trouble or go ballistic. Can be used as adjective, verb or noun.

eg: "That char bor, si peh loo siao, tiam tiam chueh soo ?"

[translation : "That woman, damn rebellious, always look for trouble.."]



"char siao"

direct translation - 'fried sperm'

actual meaning - to disturb or to vex someone

eg: "Mai char siao lah !"

[translation : "Don't disturb me !"]



"kuai lan"

direct translation - 'suave dick'

actual meaning - adjective to describe a very cheeky or obnoxious person.

eg: "That si ginna si peh kuai lan."

[translation : "That kid is damn obnoxious."]



"apong sin"

direct translation - 'pancake spirit' (pancake is also the secondary meaning for vagina) actual meaning - a person who's fawning over any

females and willing to do anything for them.

eg: "Ah Piang kau giak apong sin. Peng eu kio chut, boh eng. Char bor kio chut, eh poey?"

[translation : "Ah Piang damn 'pancake spirit'. When his friends ask him out, always busy. But when girls ask him out, he'll literally fly out"]



"ciu cheng"

direct translation - 'hand gun'

actual meaning - an adjective to describe someone that is unskillfully clumsy, delinquent and fucked up.

eg: "Si tua pui, kau giak ciu cheng. Chia pun beh hiau park."

[translation : "That fat ass damn fucked up. Don't even know how to park a car"]



"tu lan" (also known as T.L.)

direct translation - 'pig's dick'

real meaning - hatefully dislike or angry; pissed.

eg: "Kua tiok ee eh bin ? pun tu lan."

[translation : "It pissed me off even by just a glance of his face."]



"kam lan"

direct translation - 'to fellate'

real meaning - an expression added into questions - to denote something ridiculous or defies logical understanding.

eg: "Lu choaa lu eh bor chut lai kam lan aa ??"

[translation : "Why the hell do you bring along your wife ??"]



"loh tee"

direct translation - 'bread' (comes from the malay word "roti") real meaning - an adjective to describe a very slutty, chintzy and promiscuous female being. Highly derogatory.

eg: "Ah Piang eh chat loh si peh loh tee. Goh lui chap pek tau"

[translation : "Ah Piang's girl is a goddamn slut. Five cents for eighteen times"]

Of course there are more. These are just the common ones and is good enough for you to understand more about Penang. It's a beautiful place...

Construction Site Sign Language

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

The Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

If You Can't Say Something Nice

"Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you." Not so, according to Joseph Telushkin in his profoundly impactful book, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal.

Harsh criticism, snide sarcasm, nasty nicknames, and thoughtless gossip and rumors can inflict deep and lasting harm on individuals and their relationships. Some of the worst and most enduring pains we've suffered were caused by words.

What's more, Telushkin says, most of us say hurtful things about others much more than we realize. He challenges readers to go 24 hours without saying an unkind word to or about anyone. I flunked.

He's particularly down on gossip. Although we justify it as harmless and entertaining chatter, many things we say about others are fundamentally unkind and often unfair. Even worse, as anyone knows who has been the target of someone else's digs, jabs, and judgments, whether the gossip is innocent, insensitive, or malicious, the result is often the same: hurt feelings and damaged reputations and relationships.

Next time you're tempted to say unkind things about another - either to them or behind their back - ask yourself:

* What is the point and purpose? Is there any good that could come of these remarks?

* Could my words create or reinforce negative opinions that could harm or hurt the person I'm talking about?

* Would I be comfortable if the object of my gossip overheard my comments?

Tact, timing, and tone are all important. When we start being more responsible for our words, we realize the wisdom of the old adage: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Michael Josephson

www.charactercounts.org

Communication Breakdown

A scenario where communication breakdown occurs. Have a good laugh ahead...

Communication Breakdown

A light-hearted look at a hypothetical communication breakdown

The setting is the future, the law at this future date decrees that a woman should produce at least one child within 3 years of marriage. If not, then the Government, in order to boost the falling birthrate, will force the services of a certified Government sire on the hapless female to assist in the creation of another human being.

Wife: Well darling, this is the day we have been dreading. If I had only known that they would pass a law like this.

Husband: Yes dear, and there is no way out of it, the facts are that in view of the falling birthrate, it is compulsory to have at least one child within 3 years of marriage. Failure to comply will entail the services of a certified Government sire being provided to assist.

Wife: Oh dear, and the Man from the Government Birth Compulsion Department is due today! What shall I do?

Husband: Well I must be off to work now. I do hope it won't be too awful for you, and that they send you a decent chap to do the job.

(Kisses Wife ......departs.) Wife later answers a ring on the doorbell.

Wife: I suppose you are the man from the er...

Man: Good morning! I have come to...

Wife: Yes, yes, I know. Please come in. Just excuse me for a second.

Man(To himself): I suppose this is the right house. I don't know why people cannot bring their babies to the studio to be photographed, instead of dragging me all the way out here.

Wife (Returning): Won't you sit down Mr....

Man: Jones is the name. I hope I have come at a convenient time. Your husband is away I suppose?

Wife: Yes, we thought it would be the best thing to do especially as he can't do the job himself.

Man: Ah! It's the professional touch that is needed to get really good results. I suggest one on the sofa, two on the rug, one on the edge of the bath and finally one on the bed.

Wife: Good heavens! I didn't think so many would be necessary.

Man: Oh yes! We professionals can't get results with only one attempt, you will be able to say which you like the best and one of them is sure to be a gem.

Wife: Excuse me, but this does seem to be a bit informal doesn't it?

Man: The whole charm of the thing is in its informality. Would you like to see some samples of my work? (Produces an album of baby photographs). Now look at this one. I took four hours to get him, but it's a beauty.

Wife: Er, yes it's lovely, to be sure.

Man: And, look at this one, quite a photograph, a very tough assignment done on top of a bus, in one shot.

Wife: Good gracious, on top of a bus?

Man: Yes, the mother was a film star and wanted some publicity. This one I did in Central Park one snowy afternoon. I took from 2 o'clock until five. It was nearly dark when I had finished and the squirrels were nibbling at my equipment.

Wife: Central Park! Oh my, and twins too!

Man: Here's a nice job. People were crowded three deep at the end just to see me on the job.

Wife: Oh! Oh!

Man: I should never have finished but for the assistance of two policemen. Well, Madam, I think we had better get started. Would you be so kind enough to help me with my tripod?

Wife: Tripod? Whatever for?

Man: Well you see I've got a 3 foot stand and...

With that the poor woman fainted.

Had the communication been clear and had both persons clearly understood what they were talking about their respective states of minds (in particular the woman's) would have been considerably different.

You have a good laugh there. Let's not get ourselves into one of this situation (although the guy might get lucky).